It doesn’t take a great imagination to work out that sex with a superhero would most likely suck.
Season 2 of The Boys gave us what was quite possibly the best supe on supe sex so far committed to film, and with Season 3 kicking off filming, we can probably look forward to more power boning to come. Sex can get as rough and tumble as you like if neither of you can truly get hurt. But what happens when a superhuman hooks up with one of us regular folk?
Let’s start with the obvious, super strength would destroy you, male or female. While it could still physically be done, through great restraint and control (≠ fun!) it’s pretty safe to assume that the climax would be tricky. Let’s say Superman could work out that sweet spot for a smack of the ass, or tug of the hair, and that Wonder Woman didn’t crack hips with her writhing thighs, I’m pretty sure no one can control the speed of their ejaculates, or the clamping power of a shuddering vagina. Yes, you could plan to do a Hancock and pull out just before squirting life bullets through the roof, but as Bridgerton has shown us, at some point, that’ll always fail… and nobody wants that (super-condoms not withstanding).
But it happened in the comics!
Before my fellow nerds throw issues of comic books at me (here’s looking at you Jonathan Kent) allow me to say that anything and everything has happened in the comics, including resurrections, time traveling, alien encounters and, well… superpowers!
But in each of those situations writers take an established context and character, and just have fun with them. Adventures aside, there’s still a human element to these heroes, which often gets overlooked, which is a shame because it’s not all bad.
There’s no doubt that the ability to lift your lover up with one finger, and suspend them in any position you can imagine, would have it’s charms. Effortlessly, creating a new chapter in the Kama Sutra repertoire. Throw a bit of flight power in there and we’re talking some awesome possibilities. Imagine gravity defying 69 or being pushed up against a wall only the wall is the ceiling.
Super speedsters would be the utmost masochists you could ever find. Firstly, compared to how fast they could do it, they would have to fuck incomprehensibly slowly. Fighting their impulses of power pummelling to at least avoid friction burns, the speed of human sex would frustrate the shit out of a speedster. Consider, so slow it would make an old lady on a Sunday morning drive, beep and curse for you to move it along. Like seriously, you know those first few thrusts where you’re just getting comfortable, but even slower, and throughout.
And boredom might not even be the worst part, wouldn’t they cum super fast too? Talk about #superhumiliating
But kinky credit where it’s due, there would be two go to moves: the fingertip vibration stimulation and the five knuckle shuffle. Extreme caution would still be advised but with a little craftsmanship and a desire to please, super speed has some redeeming features. Even more so if we’re talking about micro-vibrating genitalia.
Super stamina. Admittedly this seems like more of an issue for mortals, but for a superhero, it would also be pretty ridiculous. What’s the point in being able to “do this all day” if you’d never end up climaxing. How many hours would it take anyway? That being said, don’t write this one off too fast. You might need an entire harem to get your rocks off but then again, who else is going to take care of all these harems popping up?
Shape-shifters would make great sexual partners, assuming they were open minded. The ability to offer your partner sex with anyone they can imagine would be a wonderful valentines gift, though, overuse could lead to some emotional tension. That is, unless you’re also keen on sex with some really strange looking supes, in which case, this might be a winner for you.
Finally there’s invisibility, which isn’t without its issues, but I believe tops the creamy pie. Now, the idea of being a real life translucent peeping tom should stop being cool around the time puberty has done its work, but a much more interesting idea is banging an invisible partner. Obviously the lack of visuals isn’t a plus, but it would definitely make for the trippiest sex of all.
Maybe I’m just an hopeless narcisist but out of sheer intrigue, sex with Susan Storm will the first thing I do when I make it into the superhuman world (assuming there’s a super-contraceptive pill, however that would work)! And I am definitely taking a camera with me.
Until then, I think I’ll stick with regularhero sex.
